november update

baby had pinkeye (in both friggin eyes) last week but it's gone now. this is her 'after' picture. trust me, the before? you don't want to see.

just a quick update cuz life is a little crazy. and a baby pic, of course.



i also turn 28 on the 28th. mom and dad gave me an early gift, ipod nano, and i *heart* it.

OW! oobies!

okay my oobies HURT. it's been five days without breastfeeding, and they still hurt. if anyone knows anything about how long this shit takes to go away, please! tell me! i'm dying here! and i keep wanting to pump to get rid of the pain, but i know i'm not supposed to. *sigh*

here's a baby pic:

no more titty

well, with alex in daycare, she's really taken to the bottle and formula.

so i think we are just going to drop the breastfeeding. she even takes the bottle from us at home, so we figure dragging it out isn't really helping any of us.

(but please weigh in if you have heard this is wrong to do or you have any other advice)

she is crawling as of saturday, and calls me "mamamamamamama" and J "bababababababababababa."

and i miss her today.

update - job and daycare

hey all! it's been a while since i've updated, so i'm here to say hi, and throw an alex pic out there! she's now 7 months old, still not a tooth in sight, and is about 99% of the way to crawling. she started daycare last week as i gave up on finding a teaching job and opted to fall back on my former career as a lab rat. we are breastfeeding at home and trying formula while she's at daycare, but she's not taking it very well. it's all right, though, because she eats a TON of food (especially for something so small). so, here's a pic from a couple of days ago... enjoy!

6 months!

wow... sometimes time goes by rather quickly.

we are up to 3 meals a day and down to nursing about 5 times a day. we have some semblence of a schedule, too! we still sleep through the night (thank goodness), and we have mastered rolling around. sometimes we even get up on our hands and knees and rock back and forth.

we love elmo. he's so funny! and we still love stupid songs. our favorite: "cuz she loves stupid songs, and we sing stupid songs, she's a stupid-song-loving baby!" oh yeah, that's right.

enjoy the pix.

alex is 5 months old

sometimes, i feel like things go by so slowly.

today, i feel things are going by fast.

perhaps it's because i only have about 6 weeks left (if i find a job) to spend with my favoritest baby.

*sigh*

sometimes i really hate breastfeeding. i thought i wouldn't do it again if i had another baby. but i've changed my mind back. i think she gets something more out of it that i can't really put into words. they say 'bonding,' but i'm going to call it comfort and trust, but even that doesn't adequately convey how connected i feel it has made us.

anyway, here are some pix:



















will and alex hang out















alex and the daddy















alex with godfather-to-be, druncle noj















chillin out with the baby frog... in the vibrating chair she probably won't get out of until she's 30.















"mmm fruit and cereal... but it makes me so sleepy!"

that's all we have for now, but i think this weekend will bring a bunch more pix since we are having a party of sorts. check back monday for more pix! (i know how cute my baby is, so i'm trying to stay on top of this. besides, weltek needs good reason to have one of her own. lol)

what happened?

i am so confused. i went to syren's blog today and saw she's pissed at cygnus. he commented something on her blog and it upset her. i feel what he said was weird, and kind of stupid, but didn't really think it warranted the onslaught of horrid response it received.

i'm guessing there's more to it that i don't know about. as it reads, there's hypocrisy. but giving benefit of the doubt makes me feel better about people i have typically respected for their open-mindedness not appearing so open-minded in this scenario.

baby pix to follow.

peep meet

hello there... we have no pix to post as we were too lazy to take any, but we met up with a bunch of OTers and if you check out THEIR blogs and such, you might see a cq and an alex. :)

we had a great time... wish we could've hung around more, but you know... drinking in a hotel room isn't really for babies. lol! we would've gone to the zoo, though! we didn't know about it! :( oh, well. we still got to meet up with everyone and that was great fun. i hope everyone had a good time and i look forward to the next peep meet!

next weekend!

next weekend is the peep meet. i can't believe it came up so fast! we are very excited. trust me, alex is excited. a mother always knows.

here are pix to keep you happy. you have all been so patient! :)

breastfeeding

today, i am totally hating on breastfeeding.

bad idea. never should've done it.

the benefits can't possibly outweigh the bad.

alex won't take a bottle at all. and my current plan (plan b) is to just let her scream her head off all day when she goes to daycare in september. not my problem. i don't have to listen to it. i just have to suffer all night long as she makes up for lost time during the days. whatever. sounds easier than plan a, which was to try easing her into a bottle.

i feel like breastfeeding was a big huge idiotic mistake. i wasn't breastfed. nobody i know was breastfed, in fact, and they're all fine. what's the point of this? all it has done so far is put tons and tons of the responsibility on my shoulders. responsibility to eat right, keep not smoking, not drink alcohol, etc. responsibility to get up with her at night the first three months. responsibility to be the one she looks for whever she's hungry (which feels like it's a million times a day).

sure, it's convenient. no need to carry anything with us. i usually throw a diaper in my purse and that's about it. but come ON. this isn't fair.

and now that we've already ruined it (she *used* to take a bottle when she was 2 months, and now just refuses), it's too late. i'm stuck breastfeeding because she won't eat otherwise. and we have no plan because i absolutely MUST work come september. i can't just stay home with her or else i would. and i wouldn't even care about this breastfeeding issue.

i get no help, here, either. J's ridiculous excuse for not giving her a bottle up until now was that he just wanted to hold her, not hold her for a *purpose*. now his excuse is that she won't ever need a bottle during the day, and that's the only time he's home to do it. whatever. she won't take it from me, and he's no help, so any future kids are very likely just not going to be breastfed at all. i can't do *everything* all by myself.

will and alex

The best good big brother holds his sister for the first time. We all went to the zoo earlier that day, 3 adults, two children. It was very nice to be in the same place at the same time, but also to get along and act like friends. What a day! Will wanted to show Alex all of the animals, but she mostly slept. Her first trip to the zoo and she didn't see a single animal! But we had fun, and Will is going to start spending the night next week! Alex adores Will... gets all excited and kicks when he talks to her... and Will loves babies. He's been asking his mom if they can have a baby at their house, too. LOL!
















Alex asleep Memorial Day weekend at a BBQ by the Erie Canal. Yup, she rocks. This picture was posted specifically with the intent to feed weltek's "maybe I do want one" inner child. {eg}

3 months today!

Alex is 3 months old today! And has now been sleeping through the night for over a week! :)

jinxing myself

i know this post is going to be a total jinx, but i'm so happy i have to brag! my little girl has slept 3 nights in a row all night long! 7 - 8 hours! it's so beautiful to sleep all night without being woken up for feedings... yay! here's a sleepy baby pic just to celebrate!

anti-bottle

not me. alex. i worked thursday night (i was gone a total of 4 hours. i subbed a 3-hour SAT class.) and alex basically starved herself until she couldn't stand it any more, and then =finally= caved in to the bottle.

so J says we should alternate breast and bottle because she was so bad at taking the bottle. (weird... about a month ago I left her with a bottle for even longer and she was absolutely fine)

so i'm sitting down to the hockey game. she is getting fussy and probably hungry. i make her a bottle.

she *hates* it.


she gagged on it and spit it out for half an hour before I finally gave up and just nursed her.

HOW am I supposed to believe this kid is ever going to be ready to go to daycare all day in another three months?

and now, back to watching the highlights of that sweet ass sabres win. wow.

more baby pix

everybody loves the bathtub picture...

 

happy baby

a couple of pix from our trip to see grammie and GQ

6 things

tagged by puffy...

Reveal six weird facts/things/habits about yourself...

1. I still have flannel sheets on my bed.

2. In kindergarten, my IQ was 156.

3. I lock the baby in the car when I pump gas.

4. I wanted to be a pediatrician when I grew up.

5. I don't like pets.

6. I make lists for everything.

visiting the family via car

so alex, J, and I drove 6 hours sunday morning to be at my parents' for a palm sunday gathering. my mom's aunt and uncle and cousins were there. the latter also had their kids in tow. a total of 5 between the 2 of them.

it was nice. everyone was good... their kids got so big! we inherited six bags of clothes and two bags of shoes since the youngest girl is almost 2 now (and they're not having any more children --> tubes tied). i sorted through the clothes and put most of them away in my mom's attic for later.

everyone of course loved alex. i'm not sure if she's moved into a stage of being more awake, or if she was just in unfamiliar surrounding, but she barely slept while everyone was around.

even after having slept all day in the car and being awake all evening, she had a pretty good night. she slept with us in the guest room bed. she didn't want my mom's pack n play (leftover from my younger sister), so we just let her sleep with us. she got up twice, which was normal, and went back to sleep right after each feeding.

on the way back, yesterday (that's right... we drove down and spent one night. we left at noon to come home), she slept the entire way again. good baby.

i mean we woke her up halfway each trip to change and feed her, but other than that, she just slept.

now i want to live in the car. it seems to make babies sleep very well. so maybe i'll move out there each night so she will sleep the whole night.

interviews

today i had two interviews. one was for the city schools, which just interview everyone so they have a pool of people in the event they have to hire someone. bleh. the other is this weird charter school that is basically like public military school (navy).

well, better than nothing, i guess. but still i'd rather work in the suburbs while i have a family. originally i wanted to teach urban kids because they need people who care. but now that i have a family i am being a little selfish because i fear they may need more than i can (or am willing) to give while having my own baby. but if i have to, i'll balance it all out. i'll just have to tow a baby around with me to all the functions... but that's a long way off, so i guess we needn't really worry about it just yet.

i won't hear back about these positions until summer, so i'm just going to forget about today.

but i will say this. i left the house at 7:30. alex ate at 6. come 10:30, i was dying. i should've brought the pump with me and used it in the bathroom. i had to bail at 11:00. my scheduled interviews were over, but i could have stuck around to get a 'standby' interview.

yeah, if my oobies weren't going to burst, maybe. oh, well.

jehovah

i am always very kind and conversational to the jehovah's witnesses. they come around every so often, giving me things to read and reading me inspirational passages from the bible. i really don't mind. they are respectful and nice. the two that usually show up, that is. we will call them suzie and lashonda.

today, lashonda was missing. and suzie showed up with a new person. we will call her petunia (that's right, like porky pig's girlfriend).

the fire alarm sirens are being 'tested' today, so when we can't really sustain a normal conversation level with them in the hallway and me in my doorway (which is the typical custom), i ask if they'd like to come in.

i mean, come ON. now you KNOW i'm nice. nobody invites these people into their homes.

it was all normal and good, and here is basically how everything got out of control very quickly.

suzie: well, how do you know your science books are true? didn't you read them to learn science?

cq: yes, but their ideas are repeatable. that is, i can take any idea in there and demonstrate that it works. and that is how i have learned science. you start off in the books as a springboard, but you then validate big ideas by experimenting and showing yourself that they work.

petunia: well, you can do that with the bible, too.

cq: really? please go ahead and tell me what experiment i can perform to validate a portion of the bible.

suzie: well have you ever read the bible?

cq: not all of it. parts. but not nearly all. it's boring.

petunia: it is SO not boring! it's inspiring!

cq: well, you have the right to feel that way and i have the right to feel that it's boring. i'm sure some people find science books boring, and that's fine, too.

petunia: well you can prove things in the bible like with your science books.

cq: yeah, you said. how can you do that? i'd love to see it.

petunia: well, it's like... i mean... you know, you really just have to read it. it's like a puzzle. you need to see how all the little pieces it together to make one big picture.

cq: yeah. i'm sure. okay. thanks.

suzie: well, we can test it by seeing if the advice in it applies to ALL people, because then it would be from god.

cq: or it could be from a person who really wants people to be good to each other.

petunia: well if you were a secretary, and your boss told you to type up this memo, and you wrote it up, would those be your words, or his?

cq: they would be his words that i typed...

petunia: and thus god's words were delivered to us through man as secretary.

cq: but you can't know that. you can't ever really completely know anything. i mean, don't you think it's even possible that someone wrote a book in the bible just because life on earth is crappy and he wanted to make people feel better about it?

petunia: no. absolutely not.

cq: see, i have a problem with 'absolutely not.' i think it's very troublesome to speak so confidently about the impossibility of something.

petunia: well, you just have to read the whole thing, and then you'd see.

then we get into a conversation about whether the world is getting better. they ask if the world is getting better, and i say in some respects, yes, it is. petunia was upset because apparently the answer to this question should have maybe involved the words "hell" and "handbasket." she tries to demonstrate for me that the world is actually much, much worse.

petunia: there are wars, diseases, kids bringing guns to school, murders, drugs...

cq: sure, well, when you put it like that...

somehow they talked about dying and stuff and i mentioned that i didn't believe people had to die but they could live forever if they wanted to. they misunderstood. they thought i meant some afterlife thing. nope, i mean, really, people don't have to die. i told them i think the reasons that people die can be overcome. i said people usually choose to die.

petunia: so people choose to get cancer?

cq: no, people choose to DIE from cancer.

petunia: you think you can live forever? for real?

cq: i said i just think it's possible that the reasons people die can be overcome. i think people get tired and bored so they give up, and die. and i also think we are expected to die. so we do. because everyone else has.

petunia: well i don't have to die.

cq: so you can live forever, then.

petunia: i believe i will live forever in the afterlife that god has created for us.

cq: well, that's nice. that's not what i mean, though.

and so basically i explain again and petunia, that's right, porky pig's girlfriend, LAUGHS AT ME. and the follows up with "i don't mean to laugh, but... you certainly have some interesting ideas."

cq: and so do you, but i'm not laughing at you. and i'm certainly not going to laugh at you in your own home, after being invited in after an unsolicited knock at the door. one might perceive such a thing as incredibly rude.

and so i am angry with petunia. should she show up again, i will ask her how she thinks she can fit in the eternal life. i mean, according to her own religion, 2,000 souls is the capcity of heaven. i'm sure more than 2,000 people have died before her. how will she prove to god that she is better, and that he should eject someone to make room for her? and how does she know that her spot is forever secure, that no other better soul will come along and have HER booted as she may have done to someone else?

bleh. i don't believe in god, and you do. fine. but don't laugh at me. that's rude. and besides, your idea is no less laughable than mine. at least i didn't read mine in a book.

6-week checkup

today i went in for my 6-week checkup. i lost 14 lbs! ten to go to pre-pregnancy weight... but who the hell is counting? i just want my "hot ass" jeans to fit again. so the doctor says "keep up the good work." hmm... my chef boyardee and strawberry milk diet seems to have worked well thus far.

anyway, we talked birth control. i'm thinking the IUD. J said we should use the spermicidal inserts but i don't trust us to actually use them. and obviously we are plenty fertile so i really don't want to take any chances. i'll talk to him about the IUD and see what he thinks. or maybe i should wait to see if insurance will cover it first... yeah, that would probably be smarter. don't want to get his hopes up for nothing.

easter bunny

i went to a crap mall that didn't have an easter bunny. then i called another crap mall that also did not have an easter bunny. finally, we drove out to the Big Mall to see the dammit easter bunny.

in line, i had to yell at some kid's parents because the kid was climbing up the side of alex's stroller and breathing all over her. what is wrong with people? keep your friggin snot-nosed kid away from my newborn.

anyway, enjoy the picture. we went through a lot to get it.

gratuitous pix

i hate walmart

last night, J and i went out for dinner. it was at the restaurant he works at. it was very nice. afterward, he wanted to get chicken little (which was not good, by the way) so we went to wal*mart. i agreed to it because i needed baby wipes and a printer cartridge.

so, that's our shopping list. let's review:

• chicken little DVD
• baby wipes
• printer cartridge
• power steering fluid (the car made that sound on the way into the parking lot, so this got tacked onto the list as we headed in the door)

all in all, this should have been a grand total of about $50.

$172 later, we walked out with the above things AND:

• comforter set for will's bed (solar system and the stars glow in the dark!)
• twin sheets that match above, since the bed-in-a-bag neglected sheets
• matching pillow for above, shaped like saturn (also glows in the dark)
• brer rabbit DVD for will's easter basket
• 3 picture frames (one for us, 1 for each set of alex's grandparents)
• windbreaker / waterproof jacket for cq (didn't need it, tried to talk J out of it, he insisted, i gave up)

i think that was everything... i can't believe how fast we spent money in that hellhole. i am placing a ban on shopping with the husband for quite a while. when we are shopping together, we are spending enablers. alone, we both feel solitary guilt about spending too much. together, we say things like 'but you deserve this,' or 'it's a really good deal,' or 'but will is going to love it!'

and if you didn't know, will is J's son. he is 2.5 and turns 3 in august. he is awesome. but i guess you want a picture...

will:

fat baby

we got back from the doctor, and blogger is now cooperating...

alex is 8 lbs 3 oz and 20.5". she has gained 2.25 lbs since we took her home from the hospital! the doctor said she was a good baby, and obviously a good eater!

he said her getting up 2 - 3 hours is normal, even though he knows it sucks, but that we will be more scheduled in another month or two, so to hang in there.

a "good" night

of course, this is all relative.

last night was, comparatively, good.

she slept in her crib and got up at predictable 2.5 - 3 hour intervals.

and there was no screamfest. thank goodness.

this afternoon we go to the doctor so we can get her exact measurements of fattitude.

what a bad night

alex fed around 11:30 pm, then proceeded to cry on the top of her lungs for the next 4 hours straight. there was nothing we could do. she didn't want to eat. we changed her diaper. changed her clothes. took her temperature. gave her gas drops. nothing. she just cried and cried. J had her for the first two hours while i pretended anyone can actually sleep with a screaming baby in the house and then we traded for the last two. i finally put her in her swing and let her cry. she cried and screamed louder than she's ever been in her short life for about ten minutes, and i cried while i sat watching her, and then she tired out and finally fell asleep.

i have no idea what was wrong with her. J says she was 'just being a baby. they have good nights and they have bad nights.' i hope tonight is a good night, then.

so, yeah. i'm tired.

happy st. patrick's day!

first night in the crib

wow... we had a pretty good night!

having the baby in her own room was a big stress-reliever for me. i had the baby monitor near me and on low volume, and i didn't worry nearly as much as usual that she would wake J up. so i even got to let her fuss and cry a little before i went to get her.

he got up a half hour early, of his own volition, and said he had the best night of sleep since she's been born. :) yay!

and i felt better beause i didn't have to tiptoe around to tend to her. and she didn't seem to give a shit that she was asleep somewhere else. like that should be surprising. she sleeps through everything. (in 2-3 hour increments, of course)

the baby is driving us crazy

we keep on going back and forth over what to do. is she spoiled? i keep reading that it's not possible to spoil a baby (read: hold it too much) its first few months. yet, alex will not go to bed at night (after her 10 pm feeding) unless she is held until she falls asleep.

usually she cries when she's hungry. i'd venture a guess that 90% of the time she cries, it's because she's hungry. the other 10% is because she's spit up and now her clothes are wet, or she needs a new diaper. but usually just because she's hungry. and we are so stupid we never learn. we keep saying things like, "she can't be hungry... she just ate an hour ago." then fifteen minutes later, she's sucking on anything that comes near her mouth and we say, "well... maybe she is hungry..." duh.

so, anyway... J and i agreed last night that the 10 pm holding thing has to stop. so we agree to put her down in her bed and let her cry a while. i tell J it could take like a half hour. he says no way. she is so tired, she will stop after like 10 min. well... 20 min later and he's telling me he can't take it any more, it hurts, he's going to get her. i say please give her another 10. he says absolutely not, and goes and gets her. starts talking about forcing her to "quit cold turkey." i stifle laughter and feign seriousness. he holds her another 15 min, and we figure out, you guessed it, she was hungry. *again*. it was like an hour later. duh again. *sigh*

this AM she's crying and won't go back to bed after the 5:30 feeding. J says she's spoiled, we are picking her up too fast, etc. the latter, i agree. i get her too fast in the night because a) i know she's waking up to eat, so why make her suffer? and b) i don't want her to wake HIM up. but i can't agree with spoiled. she's too little. she can't know yet.

so i told him i would wash all her crib stuff today so she could move in there. which is fine with me because then i'll be able to let her cry a bit more like i really want to do in the first place without worrying so much that she will keep him awake.

so, alex is going to be sleeping in her crib starting tonight. we'll see how long this lasts. i'm not even going to consider folding up the pack n play because her dad is such a pile of mush that she will probably whine tonight and he will go get her and put her in our bed if the pack n play is away.

anyway now i'm rambling so i guess i'll just go back to bed. incidentally, when she wouldn't sleep after the 5:30, it was because she was (still?) hungry. i think she falls asleep before she's done eating. i don't know how to fix that, though.

8 lb baby pix

hello. per request from puffy, here are baby pix:






Alex in her new favorite thing: her baby swing,
doing her favorite thing: sleeping.









Alex hanging out on her boppy pillow...

Alex and cq

fat, fat baby

hello. today i want to tell you that i have a fat, fat baby. she is now 8 lbs. that is 2 lbs gain in the 3 weeks she has been here. and she also has grown about a half inch! she's 20"!

and another good thing about the baby is when i take her out and everyone says how cute she is and how much hair she has and how pretty her skin is and how good she is for just sleeping and not crying. :)

my states map

i stole this from bob who stole it from iggy

please notice my immense affinity for the coasts and absolute ignoring of all the middle states:

and didn't steal the countries one because i've only been to a handful (france, spain, switzerland, andorra).

one good thing

okay, i found it...

the thing. well, one thing.

one thing that is super good is when she is all fed and getting cozy to sleep and nuzzles her face into my neck. it's freakin cute.

i don't know if it makes it *all* worth it, but it's cute enough to at least help a *little*.

parenting is hard and unfun

for the record, i don't actually hate the baby. i love her. it was a bad night for us. she got up very often and fussed a whole lot every time she went back to bed. the combination of not having adequately slept since she was born (or before that, even, because of the heartburn!) plus worrying about why she was so fussy sent me right into horrible tears. J had 3 exams this morning, so i didn't want to wake him up to help. there wasn't anything he could really do, anyway.

being a parent is friggin HARD. and she's just being a normal baby. wow this is going to suck a lot when she's sick or teething. all i could think of last night was how little good there is about this so far. no sleep (and i LOVE sleep so i miss it dearly), dirty diapers, sore nipples... in the wee hours of the night it's hard to remember anything that makes this all worthwhile.

i wish i could follow this up with 'and then...' something happened and 'i knew it was all worth it.' there's just nothing good about a newborn. i feel like a bad person. i love That Baby. it's just so hard.

here i am, bloggers!

welcome to the first post of my new blog. yes, of course i had to have teal font.

anyway, it occured to me this morning at around 1 AM as i was hysterically crying in the bathroom that i should update my blog. but then i thought how terrible to have the first entry be along the lines of 'i hate the baby,' so i didn't do it.

then i was poking around the OT and ended up finding a list of everyone's blogs, so i started reading them, and then reconsidered my blog update decision.

so, here we are.